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Bottled_Up
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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Old 08-03-2012 , 07:35 AM     Bottled_Up est dconnect  search   Quote  
FIRST I APOLOGIZE FOR LONG STORY.

i am 28 years old and my husband is 34. we are are both more than above average looking people both physically and financially. we have a great intimate life and recently just had our 1st baby daughter about 6 months ago old. we have been married for 3 years now and i have a very perfect husband and marriage admire by many and i am very proud too.
while i was pregnant my husband did what every perfect husband and expecting father would do, he took very good care of me and tend to my every need. care for me emotionally and prepare for our new life perfectly.

i read a lot of pregnancy books and they warned about tending to ur husbands needs while pregnant and i did that. i gave him oral, keep myself clean and good looking even with big stomach and we slept together every night, and took many mini vacations together.
it's my 1st time being pregnant so i really don't know anything but stuff I read in books and honestly there was no red flag accept we do fight here and here which goes away instantly.
i don't remember when it happend but my high sex drive husband have became uninterested in intimacy and when I asked him he said hes worry about the safety of the fetus, which made sense to me. I even pass it off as him being concern.
again he is perfect, come home from work on time never staying out late with friends, even after an arguement never go out overnight, and no signs whatsoever except no sex due to pregnancy.
After our perfect baby daughter came, still no sex and i ask him why he says he's stress out because of work with this economy, i believe him. I put on sexy lingery and try to seduce him and he says he's too stress out from worrying not in the mood.
after the 4th month still we have only had sex like 2 times and i initiate it, i ask him why he is not interested and he said with the baby our marriage is not the same plus he is tired.
i got upset and told him its not normal for man to not want sex, and my body look good now I am throwing my breast in your face. you are getting it somewhere else I feel it, tell me what is wrong? he say "no, i am not cheating on you but less attitude from you can help my sex drive."

i read some more books and they say "Not having sex is something wrong but when it become a usual thing is when the problem is serious." but now i am tired of trying because i have pride too, maybe it's normal for vietnamese people to stop have sex after many years of marriage and children? we dont have sex anymore and we fight more. but it starting to be normal.

recently when I am overwhelm with bad feeling eventhough my husband did nothing wrong, I just feel disconnected. and everywhere I read they say trust your feeling. I went to his mercedez and found in a secret compartment a lot of condoms like 15. I got so short breathe and upset i cried running to our bedroom where he is sleeping to confront him. From there it was all lies i have never once heard my husband lie but now it was a string of lies that i one after the other refute. lie lie lie and he lie straight to my face.
i tooked our daughter and left. after 1 day of thinking and calming down, determind to work out this marriage and find out what went wrong. i came back to talk.
he seem depress very sorry waiting for our return and told me he love me and my daughter and dont want to lose us, and i just cry. what do i do now? he said, "but im not cheating on u!!" still lying eventhough no possible explaination. to the point where i say to him, "i know u have been having sex with a prostitute and if its because i was pregnant i understand please stop lying to me." and then he stop lying and left it at that saying we should start over. Not admiting or refuting my stance about the prostitute.

i have been living in pain for over a month now. crying to sleep and bitter in the pit of my stomach. please give me advice and we move pass this or are there more lies? i try to seduce him to have sex and we do it everytime now once every day or two but for some reason i don't know if it's me or him but that passion is not there. what if i force him to have sex with me but he dont want to? what is going on with him? does he want to continue to have sex outside of marriage?
is what i am going through with this cheating husband normal or at least not odd? is he going to take my determination to save this marriage for granted and step on me more?

please someone tell me something, anything.

your hurting wife.
Wa'Nhi
Platinum Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Số Điểm: 4056
Old 08-03-2012 , 07:40 AM     Wa'Nhi est dconnect  search   Quote  
met em wa di...chuyen gi cung tu tu noi, sao lai di hoi chuyen noi day ha!

mod dau roi? lam on delete, con ko thi move wa ben kia dzum tui di plz!! thanks.
Bottled_Up
Junior Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Số Điểm: 17
Old 08-03-2012 , 07:49 AM     Bottled_Up est dconnect  search   Quote  
Quote :
Originally Posted by Wa'Nhi
met em wa di...chuyen gi cung tu tu noi, sao lai di hoi chuyen noi day ha!
mod dau roi? lam on delete, con ko thi move wa ben kia dzum tui di plz!! thanks.
priority right now is to save this marriage i cannot tell my my sisters or brothers or parents. But i need to know is this just a rough patch or are we doom? please give me your advice from a man's perspective please.
LinhXa
Royal Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Số Điểm: 33159
Old 08-03-2012 , 07:55 AM     LinhXa est dconnect  search   Quote  
you guys were just falling out of love ... effective communication my do the trick ...

you know buy reading your story, it should be the other way around ...
Chang Hiu
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Old 08-03-2012 , 07:57 AM     Chang Hiu est dconnect  search   Quote  
Bottled_Up,

Don't be upset.
A man can go out for protistute but he still loves his wife, he does so just for a so-called, sex release.

Last edited by Chang Hiu; 08-03-2012 at 11:49 AM..
Bottled_Up
Junior Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
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Old 08-03-2012 , 08:15 AM     Bottled_Up est dconnect  search   Quote  
Quote :
Originally Posted by LinhXa
you guys were just falling out of love ... effective communication my do the trick ...
you know buy reading your story, it should be the other way around ...
i have been trying but he almost just shutdown. he have always been the quiet reserve type. like even to this point he still say "i did not cheat on you" is this his way of continue to lie no matter what? or he really believe a prostitute is not cheating? i want to and am giving it time, but i am afraid because i dont know what the future hold for us.

i dont understand what u mean by "it should be the the way around"?
Bottled_Up
Junior Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Số Điểm: 17
Old 08-03-2012 , 08:21 AM     Bottled_Up est dconnect  search   Quote  
Quote :
Originally Posted by Chang Hiu
Bottled_Up,
Don't be upset.
A man can go out for protistute but he still loves his wife, he does so just for a so-call, sex release.
i am not upset, not because i think its okay but because sadly it is reality and now reality it me.
of course i question love and trust so much now, but what go through a mans mind when he go buy that condom? when he does that deed, and the drive home does he think or have a concious? what about going back and doing it again and again?
do u men think it is RIGHT or just? or we wives should be thanking you because it's a prostitute and not a coworker/another women who will stick around and emotionally involved.

this is not without realizing it could NOT be a prostitute because it's only my assumption at this point i know he cheat i just dont know how and with who.
TieuLi
Loyal Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Số Điểm: 1010
Old 08-03-2012 , 08:25 AM     TieuLi est dconnect  search   Quote  
Bottled_Up:..ím sorry to hear your story esp. at this point in your life with a new baby and all ...in any case, I remember reading somewhere pregnant or distorted bodies may turn men off sex. Also, if he saw your baby came out and stuff, it can turn them off as well. You guys should seek help from a marriage counselor ...
LinhXa
Royal Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Số Điểm: 33159
Old 08-03-2012 , 08:27 AM     LinhXa est dconnect  search   Quote  
Quote :
Originally Posted by Bottled_Up
i have been trying but he almost just shutdown. he have always been the quiet reserve type. like even to this point he still say "i did not cheat on you" is this his way of continue to lie no matter what? or he really believe a prostitute is not cheating? i want to and am giving it time, but i am afraid because i dont know what the future hold for us.

i dont understand what u mean by "it should be the the way around"?
Do you trust him ??? and believe when he said " I didn't cheat on you " ? seems like he is not giving you the reason not to trust him .. normally trusting is the results of actions, has his actions dictate that ? seems like there are lot of unknown and you seems to guess alot .. gather your thoughts and have a meeting with him and find a resolution ... time to test your and his loves ...

when i said, it should be the other way around .. meaning that men often hungry for sex during and after the wife pregnancy, and the female normally has no sex drive after giving birth.
Baby Piggy
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Join Date: Jun 2002
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Old 08-03-2012 , 08:29 AM     Baby Piggy est dconnect  search   Quote  
Lx is right seems like u two are falling out of love. U need to sit down and discuss this issue serious with him. Try to work it out if u can. If not possible then move on and find our own happiness. Living in misery is not a good environment for your daughter to grow up. Having a child does not prevent u from finding happiness again.

Best wishes
TheProtector
Gold Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Số Điểm: 3316
Old 08-03-2012 , 08:33 AM     TheProtector est dconnect  search   Quote  
Here is my opinion, from a guy pt of view, who rarely believe in 2nd chance or even true love. But after reading your story, I'd suggest you to give your marriage a 2nd chance. Here is why.

He was and still is a good husband(as you proudly put it). yes, maybe(big maybe) he made stupid mistakes by sleeping with another girl. But did he actually finally admit? seeing condoms is a big sign, but you can't prove that he did sleep with another one or not.

Let's assume that he did. As of right now, it looks like he realizes his stupid mistake and is correcting by responding to your requests. which is mostly sex request, since you mentioned it a lot.

But you need to get to the bottom of this to know what really happened. I don't see that from reading your thread. He has no choice but to tell you everything. After that, it's your call (assuming he is so sorry).

Give him, your marriage, a 2nd chance. If it happens again in the future, it's not too late to walk out. By then, I don't think anyone will suggest you to stay.

I hate to see in 10 yrs from now, you'll tell yourself "If I can turn back the hand of time, I'd give him, us, a 2nd chance"

Good luck with your decision
Bottled_Up
Junior Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Số Điểm: 17
Old 08-03-2012 , 08:39 AM     Bottled_Up est dconnect  search   Quote  
Quote :
Originally Posted by TieuLi
Bottled_Up:..ím sorry to hear your story esp. at this point in your life with a new baby and all ...in any case, I remember reading somewhere pregnant or distorted bodies may turn men off sex. Also, if he saw your baby came out and stuff, it can turn them off as well. You guys should seek help from a marriage counselor ...
i read about that too. that is why i gave him time when he seem to take longer to get intimate again with me after the baby came. and honestly if i turn him off since that i can live with it, but for to find out he has a stash of condoms since who knows when, i don't know what to think anymore.

linhxa i know he had sex with someone else that is as clear as night and day, not way around that.
my attemp to WANT to believe him when he say he did not cheat on me is that in his mind, prostitute is not cheating. that is far fetch i know.
i have already made the decision to try to save this marriage so does it even matter anymore? it only does if it will continue.

i want more than anything to seek counseling but in his mind, sick people get counseling and therapist are like fake fortune tellers. i try to sit and with him alittle each night after the baby is asleep and we are talking little by little more. trying to be the strong one right now.

tell me do men appreciate their wife in hindsight and this is just a rough patch or do they just continue and take advantage of the wife's will to keep things together?
Muc_Tim
Banned
Join Date: Nov 2006
Số Điểm: 5625
Old 08-03-2012 , 08:48 AM     Muc_Tim est dconnect  search   Quote  
Quote :
Originally Posted by TieuLi
Bottled_Up:..ím sorry to hear your story esp. at this point in your life with a new baby and all ...in any case, I remember reading somewhere pregnant or distorted bodies may turn men off sex. Also, if he saw your baby came out and stuff, it can turn them off as well. You guys should seek help from a marriage counselor ...
I agree w/ TieuLi.
Maybe the birthing process freaked him out.
All the traumatic bloody images-bloody,
swollen vagina, cut/tear- he saw temporarily (hopefully) kills his sex drive when he gets near you. Íts not you, íts him that he has problem.
He needs counseling. He is not expressing himself
clear enough. And he needs your gentle
guidance. Listen to him, talk gentle to him to
figure out what is going on.

Right now, you assume that he cheated on you,
but you have no concrete proof.

BTW, having sex w/prostitute while in relationship
is considered as cheating. Dónt tell me if a wife
can have sex w/ a male prostitute and her husband
doesn't consider it as cheating

Once you have a concrete proof, then íts your call,
stay or divorce.

Your priorities now are you and your baby. Take good
care of yourself and your baby.

Last edited by Muc_Tim; 08-03-2012 at 08:53 AM..
TieuLi
Loyal Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Số Điểm: 1010
Old 08-03-2012 , 08:49 AM     TieuLi est dconnect  search   Quote  
Bottled_Up:...clearly, your marriage, at this point, isn't all that 'healthy' so it is ok to seek help ...and the belief that having sex with a prostitute is not 'cheating' is idiotic !maybe you guys need to clearly define that line ..
Bottled_Up
Junior Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Số Điểm: 17
Old 08-03-2012 , 08:52 AM     Bottled_Up est dconnect  search   Quote  
Quote :
Originally Posted by TheProtector
Here is my opinion, from a guy pt of view, who rarely believe in 2nd chance or even true love. But after reading your story, I'd suggest you to give your marriage a 2nd chance. Here is why.

He was and still is a good husband(as you proudly put it). yes, maybe(big maybe) he made stupid mistakes by sleeping with another girl. But did he actually finally admit? seeing condoms is a big sign, but you can't prove that he did sleep with another one or not.

Let's assume that he did. As of right now, it looks like he realizes his stupid mistake and is correcting by responding to your requests. which is mostly sex request, since you mentioned it a lot.

But you need to get to the bottom of this to know what really happened. I don't see that from reading your thread. He has no choice but to tell you everything. After that, it's your call (assuming he is so sorry).

Give him, your marriage, a 2nd chance. If it happens again in the future, it's not too late to walk out. By then, I don't think anyone will suggest you to stay.

I hate to see in 10 yrs from now, you'll tell yourself "If I can turn back the hand of time, I'd give him, us, a 2nd chance"

Good luck with your decision
im sorry i mention sex a lot because i think its sex, of course i could be wrong. if he was looking for emotional needs he would be on the phone alot, or out alot, emailing or mistreating our marriage.
because i didn't suspect anything wrong in the other department. he have always been the quiet reserve type. you think a married man could have condoms in his car without having cheated yet?
is it necessary to get a cheater to admit? as for getting the details as trying to pinpoint the time and area where we went wrong. He just keeps saying we start over, move forward and has not been open to past details and yes it is killing me but I dont know if i should push it anymore.

babypiggy i do not plan on living in misery i am trying to crawl out of this hole if possible. our biggest problem right now is he doesnt want to backtrack with me. I dont know if I should give it time? and just work on building first? I feel like walking on eggshells with our relationship right now.
LinhXa
Royal Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Số Điểm: 33159
Old 08-03-2012 , 08:54 AM     LinhXa est dconnect  search   Quote  
Quote :
Originally Posted by Bottled_Up
i read about that too. that is why i gave him time when he seem to take longer to get intimate again with me after the baby came. and honestly if i turn him off since that i can live with it, but for to find out he has a stash of condoms since who knows when, i don't know what to think anymore.

linhxa i know he had sex with someone else that is as clear as night and day, not way around that.
my attemp to WANT to believe him when he say he did not cheat on me is that in his mind, prostitute is not cheating. that is far fetch i know.
i have already made the decision to try to save this marriage so does it even matter anymore? it only does if it will continue.

i want more than anything to seek counseling but in his mind, sick people get counseling and therapist are like fake fortune tellers. i try to sit and with him alittle each night after the baby is asleep and we are talking little by little more. trying to be the strong one right now.

tell me do men appreciate their wife in hindsight and this is just a rough patch or do they just continue and take advantage of the wife's will to keep things together?
seems like you have done more on your parts then most women would already .. i like the fact that you took the time after tending to the baby and give him the attention, most wives dont do this ..

he has tons of condom in his car and he has not touch you since ... well the sign is there but he has not admitted yet and how do you know he had sex with others ??? maybe your attitude turn him off ?? not your body ..

by what you said, you are one strong woman and and amber with opinions .. let be gentle and see if he responds ... I still think you should give him the benefit of the doubts ..

men appriciate women with understanding and not coming to conclusion and be able to debate effectively .. believe me women's attitude play at least 80% of the intimacy factors ...
LinhXa
Royal Member
Join Date: Aug 2002
Số Điểm: 33159
Old 08-03-2012 , 08:56 AM     LinhXa est dconnect  search   Quote  
Quote :
Originally Posted by Muc_Tim
I agree w/ TieuLi.
Maybe the birthing process freaked him out.
All the traumatic bloody images-bloody,
swollen vagina, cut/tear- he saw temporarily (hopefully) kills his sex drive when he gets near you. Íts not you, íts him that he has problem.
He needs counseling. He is not expressing himself
clear enough. And he needs your gentle
guidance. Listen to him, talk gentle to him to
figure out what is going on.

Right now, you assume that he cheated on you,
but you have no concrete proof.

BTW, having sex w/prostitute while in relationship
is considered as cheating. Dónt tell me if a wife
can have sex w/ a male prostitute and her husband
doesn't consider it as cheating

Once you have a concrete proof, then íts your call,
stay or divorce.

Your priorities now are you and your baby. Take good
care of yourself and your baby.
bull sh!t .. when you love someone ... trái ấu cũng tròn bồ hòn cũng méo ..
Muc_Tim
Banned
Join Date: Nov 2006
Số Điểm: 5625
Old 08-03-2012 , 09:02 AM     Muc_Tim est dconnect  search   Quote  
Quote :
Originally Posted by LinhXa
bull sh!t .. when you love someone ... trái ấu cũng tròn bồ hòn cũng méo ..
Hek no, this does not apply to me.
Bottled_Up
Junior Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Số Điểm: 17
Old 08-03-2012 , 09:03 AM     Bottled_Up est dconnect  search   Quote  
TieuLi & MucTim this is the point where i feel i would have been better off married to a white guy who would admit the problem and seek proffessional help and counseling with me.

I know having sex or sexual thoughts with ANYONE is cheating. Im just trying to understand the other perspective and approach from there. As for being and wittnessing the rigorous of childbirth. It could be possible but doesnt make it right.

its like we both went through lifes trauma, sad to have to discribe our daughter and I dont mean to. But we wil get past this? would u ladies was women work on this marriage? and wait it out?
Muc_Tim
Banned
Join Date: Nov 2006
Số Điểm: 5625
Old 08-03-2012 , 09:10 AM     Muc_Tim est dconnect  search   Quote  
Quote :
Originally Posted by Bottled_Up
TieuLi & MucTim this is the point where i feel i would have been better off married to a white guy who would admit the problem and seek proffessional help and counseling with me.

I know having sex or sexual thoughts with ANYONE is cheating. Im just trying to understand the other perspective and approach from there. As for being and wittnessing the rigorous of childbirth. It could be possible but doesnt make it right.

its like we both went through lifes trauma, sad to have to discribe our daughter and I dont mean to. But we wil get past this? would u ladies was women work on this marriage? and wait it out?
If I were you, I would focus on taking care of my
baby and myself. I would soften my voice/attidue.
We would have intimite conversations.
I would work with him at gradual pace to find
out why the condoms were in his car,
why he is not interested in having sex w/ me.
I would give him benefit of the doubt. Never
rush into divorcing

If I had a concret proof that he had sex w/ another
person, be it a prostitute or anybody else, I would
divorce his ass, if not, then I would have "an open" marriage
I dónt want to be a saint to forgive
& forget. Women have sex drive too!

Last edited by Muc_Tim; 08-03-2012 at 09:16 AM..
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