Thanksgiving Divorce


A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York two days before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.



"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."



Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll t ake care of this,"



She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

Costume Party




A couple was invited to a swanky costume Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she e would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance . When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."

Never Lie to Your Mother

HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER!

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of
the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful
Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was.

Suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, this
had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer
than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just
roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since
your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just
to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote, " Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the
house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle,
but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his
mother that read:
Son: I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer, I'm not
saying that you "do not" sleep with Jennifer, but the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

**LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

SO WHO IS DOING THE WORK?

The population of the USA is 300 million.

[Buckner, Doretha A] This was to funny.


160 million are retired.


That leaves 140 million to do the work.


There are 85 million in school.



Which leaves 55 million to do the work.



Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.



Leaving 15 million to do the work.



2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.



Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.



Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.



And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.



At any given time there are 188, 000 people in hospitals.



Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.



Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.



That leaves just two people to do the work.



You and me.


And there you are,



sitting on your ass,



at your computer, reading jokes.



Nice. Real nice

hey i work for the ferderal gov.....it doesn't count...

Blondie's pink curtain

Blondie enters a store that sell curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assured her that they had a large selection of pink curtains. He showed her several patterns, but the blond seemed to be having a hard time choosing.

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asked what size curtains she needed.
The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches?" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"

Blondie says, "Hellllooooooooo........I've got Windows!"

Funny

The Psychiatrist and the Proctologist

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign
reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors
changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the
council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.

Next, they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down
again.

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Still no
good.

Another attempt resulted in "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable
again.

So they tried "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." No way.

"Analysis and Anal Cysts?" Nope.

"Nuts and Butts?" Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go.

"Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit 's end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

Elmo!


A factory in America makes Tickle Me Elmo toys and the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00. The next day at 8:45 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door and the foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole assembly line is backing up fast. The Personnel manager decides to see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the assembly line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor. At the end of the line is the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.


The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!"

hahahah... yall make my day...

1 Hai vợ chồng ra toà ly dị, nhưng quan tòa chưa phán xử được ai sẽ nuôi con vì cả hai đều muốn cậu con trai ở với mình. Người mẹ nói mình đã sinh ra đứa bé nên có quyền nuôi. Còn người chồng khi được hỏi, anh ta suy nghĩ một lúc lâu rồi nói: "Thưa quan toà, nếu tôi cho 1USD vào cái máy bán nước giải khát tự động, lon COCA COLA rớt ra thì cái lon đó là của tôi hay của cái máy ?"


2. Hai người tâm thần đèo nhau trên xe đạp lên dốc cầu, người sau phân công : - Mầy cầm lái nhé, tao ngồi sao đạp cho có thế - OK Sau hơn 1 giờ hì hụt, cuối cùng cũng lên đến giữa cầu, người sau thở đứt quảng : - Ngồi ở đằng sau nãy giờ đạp mệt chết mẹ mới lên. - Tao ngồi trước cầm lái cũng đâu có sướng gì, bóp thắng mệt thấy bà luôn


3. Mày biết không, hồi học lớp 11 tao có quen nhỏ lớp 9. - Ừ, rồi sao? - Tao quyết định ở lại lớp 2 năm để chờ con nhỏ. - Mày đúng là thằng liều. - Nhưng hỡi ôi! - Sao vậy? - Nhưng hai năm sau tao nhìn xuống, em ấy vẫn học lớp 9. - Trời! Em của mày học dở thật. - Nếu học dở tao đâu có tức, đằng này nó ở lại lớp 9 để chờ thằng cu lớp 7

Russian African Roulette

Official Visits

An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.

The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.

When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.

The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex take your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:

"One of them's a cannibal."

Wild Jaimacan Sex

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring
around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex. "

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... . something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of he Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET MON! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! !

hahaaha elegante ..

Ford and God,

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven.

At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention... the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want."

Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself."

So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?"

Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much front end protrusion.
2. It chatters way too much at high speeds.
3. Maintenance is extremely high.
4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing.
5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 days of every 28
6. The rear end wobbles too much.
7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust.
8. The headlights are usually too small.
9. Fuel consumption is outrageous.

And that's just to name a few."

"Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it.

God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my design is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Actual Physician Notes


1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared
completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but
forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might
like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as
a lawyer instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit
on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Tech support


Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

===============

Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....


===============


Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


===============


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


===============


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


===============


Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


===============


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work...


===============


Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?


===============


Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


===============


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


===============


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


===============


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


===============


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."


===============

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

She stares at the plate for a moment. 'Where's my toast ?'-------------------------------------------------------------
hihihihihih ! it 's reall...y goo....ood.!