Ðịnh Nghĩa Tình Yêu :

Tình yêu như thể rút thăm,
Rút trúng thì sướng, rút nhầm thì đau.
Tình yêu như thể đi câu,
Anh nào chai mặt ngồi lâu mới tài.
Tình yêu như thể quan tài,
Mới lanh quanh ở! ; bên ngoài đã run.
Tình yêu như thể dây thun,
Lúc co lúc giãn lúc còn đứt ngay.
Tình yêu như thể ông say,
Lúc nào cũng tưởng đang bay trên trời.
Tình yêu như thể điểm mười,
Có học cho hết cả đời vẫn mong.
Tình yêu như thể đuôi công,
Trông thì đẹp đấy nhưng không ra gì.
Tình yêu như thể bánh mì,
Tây ta đều thích bởi vì nó ngon!
Tình yêu như thể thỏi son,
Sinh ra chỉ để làm mòn cái môi.
_______________________________

Sống trên đời này phải biết quí 4 chữ :

chữ "Phải" để luôn sống và làm theo lẽ phải,
chữ " Thật" để luôn sống thật,
chữ " Nhẫn" để tha thứ,
chữ "Tâm" để yêu thương.

Nói tóm lại là làm người sống
trên đời này "Phải Thật Nhẫn Tâm" thì mới sống được

(sưu tầm)

The Funniest Divorce Letter

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm
Leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for
Seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss
Called to tell me that you quit your job today and
That was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that
I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal
And even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You
Ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
Watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you
Love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that
Connects us as husband and wife.

Either you're cheat ing on me or you don't lov e me
Anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are
Moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great
Life!

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Dear Ex-Husband -

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your
Letter. It's true that you and I have been married
For seven years, although a good man is a far cry
From what you've been.

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your
Constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't
Work.

I did notice w hen you got a hair cut last week, but
The first thing that came to mind was 'You look just
Like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say
Anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't
Comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
Gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
Eating pork seven years ago.

About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you
Because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and
I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister
Had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that
Morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that
We could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for
Ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two
Tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were
Gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you al ways
Wanted. My lawyer s aid that the letter you wrote
Ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but my
Sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement,
job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: __________________________________________________ ___________
__________________________________________________ ___________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ __________________

__________________________________________________ __________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend __________________________________________________ _

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

__________________________________________________ ____________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________ ____________

C: A woman's place is in the:

__________________________________________________ ____________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


__________________________________________________ _______
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (You might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

haha ...

Thanks for the laugh.

OMG.. Hết Ý kiến ....

How do you make regular water become holy water?













Answer: You boil the hell out of them.

NICE................Best poem I've ever heard in my life!

Hmmmmmm........not that I don't like French. Just don't understand the posts that's all. I took French in highschool but not that good to understand the whole page of writings like this. :(

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday And I didn't feel very well Waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my wife Faye would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!",
And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
She barely said good morning,
Let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids....
They will remember.

My kids, Willy and Robby came bounding down
stairs to breakfast
And didn't say a word. So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
And somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office,
My secretary Sherri said,
"Good Morning Joe,
And by the way
Happy Birthday ! "
It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock ,
When Sherri knocked on my door
And said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Sherri,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
Where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro, in Pittsburgh ,
With a private table.
We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Sherri said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not.
What do you have In mind ?" She said,
"Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment,
Sherri turned to me and said,
" Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
She came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ..
Followed
By my wife,
My kids,
And dozens of my friends
And co-workers,
All singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...



On the couch...




Naked.

Subject: Fw: The Middle Wife

The "Middle Wife", by an Anonymous 2nd. Grade teacher


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two
Kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.


When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a Few sessions With my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet

Turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff
Like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or
Limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and
Talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very
Outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the
Class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my
Baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and
Then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine Months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm
Trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The Kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and
Going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh,

Oh!'" Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she
Doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got
My Mom to lie down In bed like this.
" Then Erica lies down with her back Against the wall.

"And then , pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in
There in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled
All over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread
And with her little hands are Miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and
'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got Past ten.

Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered
In yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center,
So there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned
To her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, When it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes Along.


Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass
This along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I Did!!!

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone Happy!

"A wish changes nothing. A decision changes everything."

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children

and decided to use a surrogate father to start their

family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive,

Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well,

I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a

door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the

doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,

Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in,

embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer.

"Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my

specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had

hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well,

where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two

in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a

couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room

floor is fun You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it

didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a

good one every time. But if we try several different

positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm

sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take

his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes,

but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and

pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This

was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping

at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally

well - when you consider their mother was so

difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take

her to the park to get the job done right. People

were crowding around four and five deep to get a

good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her

eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for

more than three hours, too. The mother was

constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly

concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to

rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began

nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all

in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they

actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're

ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work

right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to

rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in

the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted!!

GOD'S WIFE

An eye witness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing infront of a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.

A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!'

'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,'was the boy's reply.

The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel. By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.'

As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her. 'Are you God's wife?'

FATHER-DAUGHTER TALK

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father.

He responded by asking how she was doing in school.
Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, 'How is your friend Audrey doing?' She replied, 'Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over.'

Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA.'

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, 'That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!'

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to the Republican party.'

If anyone has a better explanation of the difference between Republican and Democrat I'm all ears.

GOD'S WIFE
............ As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her. 'Are you God's wife?'

'No', replied the woman, 'I would never be a wife of some cold-hearted creature who know you are barefoot and still make it cold'.

Subject: Monkey and a joint


A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint, when a lizard walks
past, looks up, and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"

The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up the tree, sits next to the monkey, and they
smoke a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to the
river to get a drink.

The lizard climbs down the tree and staggers over to the river to get
a drink of water, but he is so stoned, he leans over too far and falls
into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side. Then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up in a tree
with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river
while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out, and wanders off into the
jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.

The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says,

"Fuuuuuuuuuuuck........Dude! How much water did you drink?!"

It Pays to Mind Your Own Business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting, “13....13....13”…

The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting, “14....14....14”