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lenaluv01
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Old 03-16-2008 , 11:36 PM     lenaluv01 est dconnect  search   Quote  
hi everyone, please help me clear up my mind.
my name is Lena and i have been marry for almost 5 years. my relationship with my in law side is very rocky. they didnt like me from the begining so everything or anything that i try to do to please them would back fire. but long story short is that now we have a son and now i see that my husband have changes in a lot of ways. we both work 10 plus hrs a day and rarely spending time with each other. our communication have become lesser and our intimacy level have goes down. i wouldnt say my husband is perfect in everyway but i have notice changes in him. he doesnt say " i love you" to me as much as he use to and now i feel like me and him is so disconnected. at first i thought becuz we both work so much and went we get home we're tired and just want to relax and play with our son.
lately his attitude toward me have change. wouldnt want to kiss, hug or show any feeling for me. when i ask him question his answer would be one word relies or just be nodding his head. i just have a feeling that he try to avoid asnwering me or my question. our relationship was never at this point but i dont know how it happen it just did a 360 degree turn. everything begin to goes wrong, our marriage or family and our intimacy. our love life went up side down and even if we were intimate, i feel his passion of love for me have slowly faded away. i try to do romantic thing with him but then is just useless because he would roll over and sleep. leaving me thinking what did i do wrong or is there a third person in our marriage? i ask him is he tired of being with me or is he having an affair and his response would be no, he told me becuz of his work he tired and doesnt feel like doing anything or go anywhere. i dont know what to do, or how to react. i very sad, i dont want assume that my husband is cheating because i couldnt face the truth.
anh chi lam on guip em di, em phai lam sao? chong em co con yeu em khong? nieu con yeu em thi tai sao anh lai khong tam su voi em? hay noi anh yeu em? em buon qua di, con em con nho em cung khong muon no lon len lai khong co cha, cuoc song cua vo chong cua em khong con vui ve nua, nhung niem vui ve va niem hanh phuoc cua em da khong con nua roi. co phai chong cua em da ngoai tinh khong? hay la em da nghi? lam on guip em......:confused: :confused:
dulang
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Old 03-17-2008 , 03:37 AM     dulang est dconnect  search   Quote  
chong chi co ngoai tinh hay khong, minh khong biet. Nhung nieu truong hop dang dien ra keo dai se khong tot cho ai ca. Hai ban voi anh di marriage couseling xem anh co chieu di khong. Hoac ban thao va noi cho anh ay biet came giac cua chi.

Hai dac minh la nguoi ngoai nhin vao cuoc dien se duoc sang suot hon. Chang hang ngoai nhung viet chi da nieu ra, did he let you use his computer, cell phone, did you share responsibility with the kid. Did you spent family dinner together? etc...
vietfunmk
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Old 03-17-2008 , 05:53 AM     vietfunmk est dconnect  search   Quote  
[QUOTE=lenaluv01]hi everyone, please help me clear up my mind.
my name is Lena and i have been marry for almost 5 years. my relationship with my in law side is very rocky. they didnt like me from the begining so everything or anything that i try to do to please them would back fire. but long story short is that now we have a son and now i see that my husband have changes in a lot of ways. we both work 10 plus hrs a day and rarely spending time with each other. our communication have become lesser and our intimacy level have goes down. i wouldnt say my husband is perfect in everyway but i have notice changes in him. he doesnt say " i love you" to me as much as he use to and now i feel like me and him is so disconnected. at first i thought becuz we both work so much and went we get home we're tired and just want to relax and play with our son.
lately his attitude toward me have change. wouldnt want to kiss, hug or show any feeling for me. when i ask him question his answer would be one word relies or just be nodding his head. i just have a feeling that he try to avoid asnwering me or my question. our relationship was never at this point but i dont know how it happen it just did a 360 degree turn. everything begin to goes wrong, our marriage or family and our intimacy. our love life went up side down and even if we were intimate, i feel his passion of love for me have slowly faded away. i try to do romantic thing with him but then is just useless because he would roll over and sleep. leaving me thinking what did i do wrong or is there a third person in our marriage? i ask him is he tired of being with me or is he having an affair and his response would be no, he told me becuz of his work he tired and doesnt feel like doing anything or go anywhere. i dont know what to do, or how to react. i very sad, i dont want assume that my husband is cheating because i couldnt face the truth.
anh chi lam on guip em di, em phai lam sao? chong em co con yeu em khong? nieu con yeu em thi tai sao anh lai khong tam su voi em? hay noi anh yeu em? em buon qua di, con em con nho em cung khong muon no lon len lai khong co cha, cuoc song cua vo chong cua em khong con vui ve nua, nhung niem vui ve va niem hanh phuoc cua em da khong con nua roi. co phai chong cua em da ngoai tinh khong? hay la em da nghi? lam on guip em......:confused: :confused:[/QUOTE]

Hi Lenalu01,

Trường hợp của chi rất là bình thường khi hai vợ chồng đã lấy nhau 5 năm rồi .. Chi nên tiếp nhận cuộc sống hôn nhân là vậy, sau khi đã ăn ở với nhau, tất cả niềm vui trong đời sống hôn nhân đã trả qua, thì dĩ nhiên phải có chúc lãnh nhạt, nhưng đó là chuyện bình thường trong cuộc sống hôn nhân .. Chỉ không thể nào mà muốn ta theo đui chi như lúc con 18, 20 được .. Nhưng không phải anh ta lạnh nhạt là vì không thương yêu chị nữa, hai người tuy không nói những tình nghĩa rất đạm đà .. Có thể anh ta suy nghĩ là đã lấy nhau 5 năm rồi, thì đã là vợ chộng rồi, không cần nói nhiều, đàn ông nghĩa chị đã hiêu hết nến họ không còn nói nhiều nữa ..

Chị nên nhớ là hai người đã lấy nhau, thì tình cảm không nhau xưa, nhưng tình nghĩa thì ngược lại, đạm đà hơn .. Nên chỉ phải tỏ rất thái độ diệu dang để dinh giữ hôn nhân, và nếu được thì tập thể dục, để con người nhẹ nhàng và thoải mái ra không suy nghĩ bậy bạ, có tự tinh chút và từ đó chồng chị cũng có lại niềm vui .. Chị cố gắng thực dạy sớm để tập thể dục, chậy bộ 10 phút thì con người chị cũng nhe nhàng ra và không suy nghĩ tiệu cực .. Có tự tinh chút ..
Younggun007
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Old 03-18-2008 , 01:02 PM     Younggun007 est dconnect  search   Quote  
Khong.....................
Hmmm
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Old 03-19-2008 , 11:16 AM     Hmmm est dconnect  search   Quote  
Hmmm khong dong y voi Vietfunmk o diem la vo chong cuoi nhau lau thi tinh cam se lanh nhat. Hmmm cung da co gia dinh duoc 5 nam giong ban Lena nhung tinh cam khong co lanh nhat nhu Lena. Ong xa cua Hmmm van noi "i love you" or "anh yeu em" everyday to me before leaving to work and bed time. Tinh cam vo chong van con nhu ngay moi quen nhau. Sau khi cuoi nhau ong xa cua Hmmm takes care everything ie. cleaning the house, does laundry, cooking, preparing lunch for both of us..ect. Sau nay vo chong Hmmm co mot baby, he is a great dad, & of course he's still a great husband too. I have no complaining at all. Fyi, i do alot of travelling (Europe, Asia, North America every year). Tinh cam la do hai vo chong tao lay.

to Lena!

I would suggest you to talk to your husband directly whenever you think he's happy. Bring up the issue & talk it out. Tell him how you feel & what you're thinking right now. ask him what you can do to make this relationship stronger? Tell him "marriage" means "we", not you, not me. "marriage" means communication; without communication meaning you have a failing "marriage". If both of you work too much then cut back the hours (8hours/ day) & spend more time w/ each other or is it baby time???? baby is a connection between you & him (suggestion?). I wish you all the best sis.

Hmmm
OG
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Old 03-19-2008 , 03:17 PM     OG est dconnect  search   Quote  
Don't get married people, this is what you get when you get married
YenNhiPA
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Old 03-19-2008 , 06:10 PM     YenNhiPA est dconnect  search   Quote  
đọc xong msg của hmm thì thấy chồng hmm có vẽ giống nội trợ hơn là chồng và hmmm bị spoil wá, vợ chồng nên nội trong ngoại hợp, không nên để chồng mình làm việc nhà hết vậy thì còn gì là đàn ông nữa, chuyện nội trợ xưa giờ không phải của đàn bà sao. dù chồng mình thương mình, nhưng dù sao him cũng là đàn ông, khi yêu thương chồng thì nên nghỉ đến cái mặt mủi của him... nếu bạn bè him đến chơi , mà thấy hmmm chả làm gì, con hìm làm tùm lum thì đám bạn him nghỉ sao...

lena, không phải hôn nhân nào cũng thế, không phải chồng nào cũng vậy,,,,, mình cũng ỡ với ox mình 6 năm rồi anh ta luôn luôn hôn mình, vá nói i love you như cơm bữa, him hôn nhiều đến nỗi mình nghỉ that's too much luôn đó. có lẻ ox lena khi wen lena và yêu lena, tuy là có yêu có thương nhưng có lẻ không đậm đà lắm cho nên khi married và ở nhau thời gian rồi him bắt đầu chán vì him không có thương lena tha thiết. còn mấy cập kia nhiều người ở càng lâu càng yêu vì họ đến với nhau tấc cả trái tim. mình tin rằng nếu ai yêu hết con tim , thời gian hay con cái không là vấn đề
vietfunmk
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Old 03-19-2008 , 06:23 PM     vietfunmk est dconnect  search   Quote  
Lena,

Không phải người đàn ông nào cũng có thể biểu lộ tình cảm ra dzễ dzàng được, có nhiều người chỉ khi mới wen nhau họ cố gắng lắm mới làm được một vài cử chỉ yêu thương .. Nhưng sau khi họ có con, lấy được người yêu thì bản tính của họ trở về như trước là khó mà biểu lộ được tình cảm đối với họ .. Họ có làm họ cũng thấy họ làm ngại ngùng , không tự nhiện và có nhiều khi họ nghĩ đó là giả tạo .. Cho nên mọi người đàn ông phải biết là họ thuộc về con người nào, người nội tâm hay là ngoại tại .. Cho nên nếu mà chồng của Lena là người ít nói từ trước khi cưới nhau về, thì có lẽ đói với anh ta biểu lộ tình cảm là việc rất khó khắng ..

Mọi người ở hoàng cảnh khác nhau, không ai đi so sánh được người chồng nào lí tướng hơn người chồng nào ..

Có nhiều người đàn ông hôn vợ nhưng nếu li di thì họ cũng sanh sàng thôi .. Cho nên nhiều người đàn ông không thích nói nhiều và không biểu lô tình cảm, nhiều lúc đàn bà xem đó là lạnh lung, nhưng phải thông cảm cho họ, họ cũng có tình cám nhưng không biểu lô ra thôi ..


Cho nên mọi người thì tuỳ theo hoàng cảnh mình mà phán đoán, giải quyết vấn đề, tùy trường hợp ..

Không phải người chồng nào nói I Love you là tốt đâu ..

Cho nên Chị Lena, nên thân trọng, và đừng so sanh với ai cả .. Hẫy biết vấn đề của chi và chồng chỉ ớ đầu và work out từ problem đó ..
maiquytu
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Old 04-02-2008 , 10:03 AM     maiquytu est dconnect  search   Quote  
:love :love :love :love
dannyle
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Old 04-02-2008 , 11:44 AM     dannyle est dconnect  search   Quote  
Lena,
my suggestion is cutting down both of you working hours, work less no OT. 8hr per day that's enough. Spend time to take care of each other, take a week off such as vacation to some place more romance..etc.. Remember, you have entire of you life working , why have to spend entire of your life at work? Most of Viets love to work
i can say 24/7.
Your husby is just a normal man, talk to him take a week off for a fresh start. Communication is a key.

Rule of Happy Marriage
At least once everyday try to say one kind or complimentary word.
It takes 2 to make a quarrel, and the one is wrong is the one who does more talking.
Communication is a key.

Hope thing works out between you two.
SadLady111
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Old 04-13-2008 , 12:37 PM     SadLady111 est dconnect  search   Quote  
It is so strange that your husband's family side- none of them likes you. It must be some what characteristic from you that makes them not to like you. Have you had enough intimacy with him at least once per day? The one does not express his/her love toward the husband is totally wrong!!! Who doesn't want compliment from the husband or wife? You guys have no romance and because Vietnamese people always keep everything inside- that produce no romance in love- love will fade soon.

The Vietnamese song may have lines like you "I love you forever no matter what"- All crap, all shh!t, so illogical! They may love you because of your appearance- how wonderful or hot you appear- if you don't have a hot body, a innocent young looking face- then you must have a good personality- you must have something to make people like you otherwise opss..sorry.

The first thing to do is learn how to cook very well for him to eat and then sit down- slowly talk to each other- hang your head over him, try to kiss his cheek, lips, and ect- Do I have to teach you more?

Second- make his family members like you than before. It is a big disadvantage if you make his family hate you.
raidener
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Old 04-13-2008 , 12:49 PM     raidener est dconnect  search   Quote  
your husband needs some viagra. plus do something exciting out of the ordinary like, get a girl for threesome adventure or bring in the donkey.
Ice2Ice
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Old 04-15-2008 , 02:32 PM     Ice2Ice est dconnect  search   Quote  
.....

Cannot conclude if your husband is cheating on you from what you have posted. You should do some assessment on his routines like

Has he started spending extra money?
Has he spent more time on internet?
Has he worked longer hours than he already has?

If you said, "no" to any of the above, chance is he's not cheating, the issue could be .... you, ummm, your physical apprearance, your hair, for instances, ...

Have you put more weight and not taken care of yourself lately ???

Don't let yourself go because of having a kid. A woman should always look after herself regardless how busy you are. Life is not always fair, we have to live with it anyway.

Bests,

..........
longtri
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Old 04-19-2008 , 12:25 AM     longtri est dconnect  search   Quote  
I think he is not “ngoai tinh” (yet).
Some time you say Hi to some one at your work place and he/she say Hi back but you feel some thing wrong in his/her eyes or his/her body language. That is the same thing with your feeling toward your husband now. “BS” people can handle the situation better than honest people. You need to talk more to your husband in a friendly way so that he doesn’t have the same “some thing wrong” feeling toward you. Another words; you need to learn to BS with him to solve the problem.

The problem you are having with your in-law is normal. If all in-law’s don’t like you then the chance is only one sis in-law doesn’t like you and she tries to influence all others to against you. That sister normally is the one not very success or not having happy life, she jealous with her sis or her sis in-law for every thing (good love from husband, prettier than her, dress better than her, happier than her etc.). She normally very sweet to everyone but she often say bad thing about other family members (who is not around). I do not know how to fix the problem but following are ways I have seen people used:

1- Ignore her and get away from her. Then she will do more bad mouth about you
2- kiss her a... Then she will have no respect and use you to attack others
3- Gang with other sis in-laws to against her. Then she use her bro’s and sis’s to criticize you and blame you for all family conflicts
4- Collect information from all sources then tell your husband the situation and let your husband handle it. But your husband must be a smart and strong man.

My wife was in the situation and I fixed the problem. I told my sis not to bad mouth my wife she should talk to me instead. She told me that you are “so* vo*”, I answered her that it is none of your business, I know if I am “so vo or not”. She said you work too much without enjoying your life when you die, your wife would have all the money, I answered that if you promise to pay all my family’s bills then I quit working immediately. My wife also has a bad sister. She attacked me because I refused to loan her a big money for her business. I fixed the problem too but I can’t tell much in this forum because she is my sis in-law.

I think you may need more suggestion from VF readers.

Hope you feel better
Hmmm
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Old 05-13-2008 , 01:02 PM     Hmmm est dconnect  search   Quote  
hi YenNhiPA,

I always offered to help my hudsband out whenever he's busy ie, cleaning our house, laudry...etc, but he said he can handle it. He would rather having me to take care of our baby instead of helping him. I am not a spoiled wife as you thought i am. I am a good cook. I prepared all the good dishes whenever his friends come over. To make it short, my husband is very proud of me. He kept saying "i am a very lucky man to be your husband".

cheers ,
Hmmm:dance
wonderboy
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Old 05-13-2008 , 06:28 PM     wonderboy est dconnect  search   Quote  
sadlady, that's a very good thing to point out for her ! and yes, why lena in law family all hate her ? what wrong w/ u, leina? ...something that his family seeing in you like an unfortunate for their son ! ..isee this thing before, my cousin, her hubby site all hate her, and she keeps *****ing about her in law, like they are this and that but the fact is, she is darn hypocrype, ignorant, like to zap zap on her husband and leave her kids running wild around the house...she never care about other people feeling like watching the kids and keep them making mess when she going to some one house...! For me, as a mother, you should reduce your work hour, why the heck you work for 10hrs aday for ? what about the kid, who the heck seeing them ? concentrate on the kid first then your hubby will feel like you are a great mother, he will treasure you, and adore you....Man hate to be asked " do u love me" 'cause she not showing any sign to be loveable how the heck he want to say "i love u" ? you are marriaged with kid, then act more like a good mother, spend more time w/ your kid and the kitchen, make the family warm by your diner food, healthy child, your hubby will help you out and love u more....and STOP WORKING MORE THAN 8 HOURS/DAY ! and pay attention to your body, shape it up, and keep yourself hygened, like the smell that your hubby loved from the dating game. U treat your hubby and his kid good, your in law will love u..or find no reason to hate u.
JosieTram
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Old 05-13-2008 , 06:29 PM     JosieTram est dconnect  search   Quote  
Yes he is cheating on you one hundred percent. No jokes.
ngoclan05
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Old 05-16-2008 , 12:53 PM     ngoclan05 est dconnect  search   Quote  
[QUOTE=SadLady111]It is so strange that your husband's family side- none of them likes you. It must be some what characteristic from you that makes them not to like you. Have you had enough intimacy with him at least once per day? The one does not express his/her love toward the husband is totally wrong!!! Who doesn't want compliment from the husband or wife? You guys have no romance and because Vietnamese people always keep everything inside- that produce no romance in love- love will fade soon.

The Vietnamese song may have lines like you "I love you forever no matter what"- All crap, all shh!t, so illogical! They may love you because of your appearance- how wonderful or hot you appear- if you don't have a hot body, a innocent young looking face- then you must have a good personality- you must have something to make people like you otherwise opss..sorry.

The first thing to do is learn how to cook very well for him to eat and then sit down- slowly talk to each other- hang your head over him, try to kiss his cheek, lips, and ect- Do I have to teach you more?

Second- make his family members like you than before. It is a big disadvantage if you make his family hate you.[/QUOTE]

Hello to the person that responded to her post:

Before you jump into the conclusion of her story, you need to be aware of the family dynamic/ family structure. His side and her side. The goal here is not to blame anyone for anything, but try to listen and to understand what is going on within her family. For his family not to like her, I would think that there must be some jealousy going on. Maybe his mother is jealous that he is now living with her, having a family with her and loving her. Whatever the underlying cause(s) is, it is obvious that the anxiety (of his family) toward the daughter-in-law or the "victim" is present.

I think communicating with her husband clearly, stating how she feels in a less nagging way would send the message across.

It is unfortunate that Vietnamese men seldom express their feelings. No one is able to predict or guess how one is feeling unless it is being told or shown. Affection is important in a relationship.

I think it all comes down to... how exactly does she communicate with her husband.

I can figure things out, if the 3 of us are in a room together.

Good luck,
NL
pericaov
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Old 07-01-2010 , 01:22 PM     pericaov est dconnect  search   Quote  
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ConTimBuon
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Old 07-01-2010 , 04:50 PM     ConTimBuon est dconnect  search   Quote  
Lena mến,

Marriage is an art. Giống như một bức tranh vẽ, nếu mình đặt hết tâm huyết vào bức tranh đó, thì sẽ có một bức tranh thật đẹp, nếu mình không take care hay để nó ù lì ra đó, thì bức tranh đó sẽ dở dang với những nét vẻ nham nhở.

Trong trường hợp của Lena, cũng như các bạn trong đây nói, Lena nên nghe theo, vì Tim Buồn thấy rất hợp lý. Tóm tắt lại như sau nhé:

1) Work less hours,( max is 8hrs/day) no need overtime, để spend more time with chồng con...

2) Thân thiện hơn với gia đình ông xã Lena. OX sẽ feel more pressure giữa hai bên, vợ và gia đình, nếu họ không gắng bó. Đừng để anh ấy trong trạng thái khó xử nhé. Vì là đàn ông, 2 thứ đó đều quan trọng như nhau.

3) Chăm sóc đến tinh thần, sức khoẻ và hình dáng của mình ( không phải có chồng rồi là mình có quyền ăn mặc luộm thuộm đâu nhé, cũng không nên mập nhiều hay ốm tong teo)

4) Phải tôn trọng lẫn nhau và coi nhau như ngày mới quen, ngày mới cưới nhau. Không cần chờ đời OX Lena phải mở miệng I love you trước, Lena cứ chủ động, hay làm những gì có ý nghĩa cho 2 vợ chồng, thì OX của Lena sẽ đón nhận với tất cả tấm lòng. Để ý đến chồng nhiều hơn, hỏi anh thích ăn gì, tự tay nấu cho chồng bữa ăn ngon, anh đang có tâm sự gì, hãy mở lòng ra với em, tâm sự cùng em, em sẽ cùng anh chia sẽ ect...

Nếu làm được những điều trên thì OX của Lena không có cơ hội " ngoại tình" đâu, Lena đừng lo nhé!

Vợ chồng với nhau là duyên nợ, nghĩa và tình phải song hành. Hạnh phúc và tình yêu, hôn nhân và gia đình phải phối hợp với nhau một cách chặt chẽ. Còn bên nhau thì phải cố gắng giữ gìn hôn nhân lâu bền và đẹp đẽ nhé. Tim Buồn biết có 2 người yêu thương nhau lắm, mà vì hoàn cảnh họ không thể đến được với nhau đấy Lena ạ! Buồn lắm!

Life is as we think, so think beautifullỵ
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