Avoid negative pples
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.   A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to   Rome with her husband..  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:   " Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?"  "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"   " Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome  ?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's   Tiber River called Teste."   "Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."   A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .   "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..   And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."   "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.   Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.."   "Oh, really!  What'd he say ?"     He said: "Who ****ed up your hair?"  

Chuyện xẩy ra khoảng 18-19 năm trước đây (1992-93) dưới thời ông Clinton làm Tổng Thống và ông Al Gore làm Phó Tổng Thống.

Một hôm sau khi việc lớn về dự trù ngân sách đã xong TT Clinton mời ông bà PTT vào toà Bạch Ốc ăn cơm tối thân mật. Vì là thân mật nên ăn uống thoải mái, thả dàn. Sau một hồi ăn và uống hơi nhiều PTT Al Gore xin lỗi để vào nhà tiêu và khá lâu. Ít phút sau, khi bữa cơm đã tàn thì vợ chồng PTT Al Gore ra về và vợ lái xe. Trên xe Al Gore lè nhè, giọng nhừa nhựa say mèm than phiền với vợ ”Thật anh không thể ngờ dược là cán cân chi phó quốc gia đang thâm thủng nặng mà toà Bạch Ốc sài sang quá!” “Sang làm sao?” Tip ngắt lời chồng. “Em không thể tưởng tượng nổi là bồn đi tiểu mạ vàng sáng loáng như ở mấy xứ Ả Rập. Bọn Cộng Hoà mà biết thế này thì họ …đập mình chết!” Bà vợ Al Gore cũng hơi e ngại và nói “Để em hỏi chị Hillary xem sao?”. Vậy là ngay khi về tới nhà bà vợ Al Gore liền dùng điện thoại có gắn loa phóng thanh (speaker phone) để hai vợ chồng cùng nghe và gọi vào tòa Bạch Ốc gặp Đệ Nhất phu nhân. Sau khi vắn tắt thuật lại lời của chồng thì Hillary vội vàng xin lỗi nói rằng “Chị chờ một chút nhé!” và qua loa phóng thanh ở máy điện thọai ông bà Al Gore nghe rõ ràng “Bill! Bill! Thôi đừng than phiền nữa, bây giờ em biết là ai đã …đi tiểu vào cái kèn xaxo của anh rồi!”

Kids Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this kid)
_____________________________________ ` _______
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right...'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER : George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested ?
HAROLD: A teacher

Woman asks: If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut. But when a man sleeps
with 8 girls, everyone calls him a real man. How come

Man replies:



It's very simple. Conficius say 'When one lock can be opened by 3
different keys, it's a bad lock.
But when one key can open 8 different locks, we call it a "master key".

Confucius would not have time for this crap you should learn how to type right before putting down this kind da joke !


<<Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes !!!
Confucius
Chinese philosopher & reformer (551 BC - 479 BC)>>




Ablue

By result only !

A priest died and was waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him was a guy in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter asks this cool guy:

“Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies:

"I'm Jack, a retired Continental Pilot from Houston for 20 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot:

“Take this golden robe and 10 virgin slaves and enter the Kingdom.”

The pilot smiling goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out:

“I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years.”
Saint Peter again consults his list. He says to the priest:

”Take this cotton robe and enter the Kingdom. “

“Hey, just a minute,” says father Bob.

“That man was a pilot and he gets a golden robe and 10 virgin slaves and I get only cotton.
How can this be? “

“Up here - we go by results,” says Saint Peter.

“When you preached - people slept. When he flew, everybody prayed.”

My Favorite Animal BY FRANCES




My Favorite Animal


Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.



My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.



I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.



The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.



She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.



Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.


I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

Favorite animal => ý nói con vật nào mà bạn yêu thích nhất, cái thằng nhóc này ...quả là có tâm hồn ăn uống ...chưa gì nó nói "Fried chicken"



ngày mai đọc tiếp, cười chút đủ rồi ...bây giờ fải đi kiếm breakfast

Ben Laden was teaching French to his daughter when he was surprised by the U.S commandos nicknamed
''navy seals'' (in French ''phoques de marine''). He exclaimed ''Voilà les phoques - here' the seals !'' Blemishing under the insult, the Americans shot him right away !

Mình cũng xin góp vui vài chuyện cười

Nhiều lần vô tình cô giáo để ý thấy Vôva lần nào trong toilet ra cũng đều rửa tay, cô rất lấy làm vui, liền tập hợp cả lớp đến quan sát để mọi người lấy đấy làm gương về vệ sinh. Hôm đó cô giáo và cả lớp đợi bên cạnh toilet, thấy Vôva vào toilet xong rồi chạy thẳng ra ngoài, không rửa tay gì cả, cả lớp mới hét lên: "Cô giáo lừa bọn em, Vôva có rửa tay đâu". Cô giáo rất ngạc nhiên liền chạy lại hỏi Vôva tại sao hôm nay không rửa tay sau khi đi toilet, Vôva liền trả lời: "Ồ, vì hôm nay em có mang giấy vệ sinh..."

-------------------------------------------------------------

noi that, thiet ke noi that, noi that dep, trang tri noi that

ẹc ẹc.... truyện hay nhưng dơ dáy quá!
Xin góp truyện khác.
Cám ơn bạn nhiều.

ghớm mà hay! Tôi tha hồ đọc thêm truyện cười

Không đời nào tôi sẽ chán truyện cười mà bao gồm mấy ngôn ngữ cùng nhau

Confucius khuyên bao nhiều thì tôi phải nghe lời bấy nhiều

"Một nụ cươi bằng 10 chén thuốc." hai bạn càng cười nhiều càng tốt nhưng coi chừng đừng bắt vợ/chồng giặt quần cho bạn nghen!

cái tựa đê` "joke in English", mà bài này toàn là French, sao kỳ vậy ?

(I am joking ! )



Ablue

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'





A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

(...and vice versa!)
__________


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
__________

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________


Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
__________


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.


__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________


'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man , to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'.
__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,

we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
Gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc,
it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I
Tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her
Left, still nothing.

She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
Out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
With both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it
Between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour to do that?"
The old man replied,

"Yes. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open."

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.


WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in a zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but outside, laughing at you



AND THE SAGA CONTINUES........



Position of a Husband Is just like a Split AC

No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor

He is designed to remain Silent indoor...

.................................................. ..................

"Husband is one who is the head of the family,



but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."

.................................................. .....................

A man in Hell asked Devil:

Can I make a call to my Wife?

After making call he asked how much to pay.

Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

.................................................. .............



Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?



It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever

.................................................. ........................



Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,
So I'd be in your hands all day.


Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,
So I could have a new one every day.

.................................................. ..............



Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.



Wife: When must I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you

.................................................. ................



Wife: I had to marry you to find out how stupid you are..



Husband: You should have known it the minute I asked you to marry me.

.................................................. .................



Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?



Husband: A lovely Push...!


and the life goes on........