In a Seattle Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist... He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button"
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is in this tray!."

ObamaCare !


A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

Before the procedure, a beautiful nurse comes into his room, takes his vitals, then tells him to take off all of his clothes.

When he is fully undressed, she instructs him to lie down on a table. The man obeys.

The nurse then removes all of her clothes, climbs on top, and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act, the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about.

The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy, if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the seminal vessels are easier for the surgeon to locate and sever.
The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall, the patient sees six men in a room, all of whom are masturbating.

Curiosity prompts the man to ask, "What are they doing in there?"

The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."

Vợ chồng Ivan ở Liên xô đã có 9 đưa con. Một hôm vợ nói với chồng:
- Anh Ivan này, nghe nói nhà nước sắp có chính sách phân chia nhà và tiền phụ cấp con cái theo chế độ mới. Hình như có một lần anh kể với em là anh có một đứa con ở vùng Taiga. Anh thử đi đón nó về xem!
Ivan tưởng thật, vội đi đón con. Ba ngày sau, anh ta trở về, không thấy 9 đứa trẻ kia đâu trong nhà, chỉ thấy có một cô vợ. Ivan hỏi:
- Bọn trẻ đâu cả rồi?
- Nghe có chế độ mới, hôm qua bọn họ (?) đến đây, con ai người ấy đã đón đi cả rồi!

An American tourist in London wanders around, seeing the sights and occasionally stopping at some small pub to have a pint of beer.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with stately residences. No pubs, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.
However, he really has to pee, after all those pints of beer. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

He is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to pee, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Just follow me" says the Bobby. Then he leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, big fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of flowers.

He relieves himself immediately. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby "That was really nice of you. Is that what you call English hospitality? "

"No sir..." replied the Bobby, "That is what we call the American Embassy....!!"

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that's easy to understand. Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. I beg to differ because there is: When you marry the right woman, you are "COMPLETE"; and when you marry the wrong one, you are "FINISHED"! And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... "COMPLETELY FINISHED" !!!

Retired Man at the Doctor's Office

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted...
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist's desk,
I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist sai
"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me,
a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."
The room erupted in applause!
DON'T MESS WITH RETIRED GUYS, THEY ARE READY FOR YOU!

Always choose a memorable password !



A lady helps her man to install a new computer.
Once it is completed,
she tells him to select a password,
a word that he'll always remember.
as the computer asks him to enter it,
he looks at his wife and with a macho
gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects
a word but he is annoyed with her reaction,
when he selects : penis.
As he hits "enter", to validate the selection,
his wife collapses with laughter and
rolls on the floor in hysteria







The computer had replied :

TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED !

cảm ơn bạn nhé. Truyện của bạn cho mình những phút giây rất vui vẻ.

1 Nụ cười bằng 10 chén thuốc. Hân hạnh được bạn thưởng thức và xin cao lỗi nếu có gì không dược đứng dắn.
GBM

Hi GBM

I like the one the retired man at the Doctor's office

I asked a pharmacist how could we know if we women have cervical cancer ? not sure if she said when we check with a doctor for yearly exam or something. But

when I asked what's about men ? how did they find out if they have prostate cancer ? she said ohhh, because they can't pee .. they need to check with a doctor

Lucky Men ! and





































Poor Women!

A Chinese man married an African woman and had a child.
Two months later the child passed away. At the funeral house, the African woman kept sobbing and crying saying : I KNEW IT !!! I KNEW IT !!!

So a family member pulled her aside and asked her :
What did you know? She replied :

Chinese products don't last long !!!

A 'just married' White couple decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel.
The wife did not want to get pregnant yet and requested the husband to buy condoms from the shop nearby.
When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.
The husband had a hard time finding a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin.
He asks the shop owner to sell him one condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.
'The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each.'
So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents.
While the husband was out, a Black thief came into the room.The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing.
The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately. When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping.
Without a warning, he jumped onto her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic and she thoroughly enjoyed the session.
Nine months later, the wife gave birth to a Black baby boy. When the boy grew up, he asked the father. 'Papa, why am I Black and you are White?'
The father shouted 'You are damn lucky, if I had 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE!'…


.

MEN IN HEAVEN



When everyone on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise , God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line is for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St.Peter.."



Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.



God said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed me. Learn from him."



God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"



The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here"..

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'
Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh...I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'
The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'
The minister fainted.

In ancient England, people could not have sex
without consent from the King.
When people wanted to have a child, they had to solicit permission to the monarchy, in turn they would supply a plaque to hang on their door when they had sexual relations.
The plaque read...“ Fornication Under Consent of the King” (F.U.C.K.).

This is the origin of the word.



When the English settlers landed in Australia, they noticed a strange animal that jumped extremely high and far.
They asked the aboriginal people using body language and signs trying to ask them about this animal.
They responded with “Kan Ghu Ru”.
The English then adopted the word kangaroo.
What the aboriginal people were really trying to say was “we don’t understand you”, “Kan Ghu Ru”.



During historic civil wars, when troops returned without any casualties, a writing was put up so all can see, which read ‘0 Killed’.
From here we get the expression O.K., which means all is good.

The phone call








A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after


her neighbour's male dog at her house while they were away on vacation.


She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart.


As she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning


sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in


obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they


mate.





She was unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next.




Although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said..

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back


and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and


he will withdraw."




"Do you think that will work?" she asked.





"It just worked for me" he replied.

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,





'I'm here to feed the alligator...'




Some old men can still think fast.



Cụ già lanh trí
Một cụ già ở Louisiana là chủ một nông trại từ nhiều năm qua.
Phía sau nông trại là một cái ao rộng. Cái ao trông giống một hồ bơi, vì thế cụ đã sửa lại cho đẹp với bàn ghế để picnic, sân chơi thảy móng ngựa, và trồng vài cây táo, cây đào.
Một buổi chiều cụ định đi thăm ao, vì đã từ lâu cụ không có dịp ghé thăm và săn sóc ao. Cụ mang theo cái rổ lớn để hái trái cây mang về.
Khi đến gần ao, cụ nghe thấy tiếng la hét cười đùa. Càng đến gần ao, cụ thấy một nhóm con gái đang trầm mình trong ao. Thấy có sự hiện diện của cụ, đám con gái lặn xuống đáy ao.
Một cô la lớn : "Chúng cháu sẽ không rời khỏi đây, chừng nào bác chưa đi khỏi !"
Cụ già nói nghiêm nghị :" Wa đến đây không phải để ngắm các cô tắm trần truồng, cũng không bảo các cô ra khỏi ao trần truồng như vậy..."
Đưa cái rổ lên, cụ nói tiếp :"wa chỉ muốn nuôi ăn mấy con cá sấu dưới ao của wa mà thôi !"

Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.
Oh, Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

MARRY? Why why



You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.


__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'

__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'

__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished

__________

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

__________

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

__________

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'

__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

__________

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive..'
__________

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray
for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

Question:

Grandpa, do you still have sex with grandma?
Yes, I do, but just oral sex.
What's oral sex?
I said f....k you and she said
F...k you tơo!